I appear to be inside the body of someone who makes music.

It occupies most of my thoughts. I get loops of half unwritten songs or guitar parts looped in my head. But I stopped really doing any music in practice about 6 months ago. Its been a theoretical exercise for the last half a year because I've taken my foot off the pedal and not engaged with the tug. Oh, and I've moved house from Germany back to the UK. So I'm now on the edge of jumping back in. Music. Ready to do it again. Is it what I do? Can I still do it? Will I still feel the need? Am I really a music person? I seem to listen to more podcasts than albums these days anyway. It's been the longest period of time ever when I not relentlessly picked up a guitar and found something to play. I'm awake now and ready to go.

​I am now living inside the body of someone who decided to become a musician. Or not even a 'musician'. Someone who can't not do it. Not yet. Not until the obsession with something or other drains away like an old bit of piss in evaporating on a concrete hill on a sunny winters day. The background of skills are there so I am allowed to use them. They're available and its good that there are some basic skills lying around under the hands and a natural inclination of how to string a melody together which seems to make sense. Also, I notice that I can play a few fingerpicking patterns on a guitar which are a pleasure to use. Although something feels like it's missing. Or do I just think it's missing? I think it's the overfamiliarity of it all. But also things are now clearer. Distinction of good or bad.

​I soon will open up Logic to see what state my in-progress-for-a-few-years album is in. I hope it wont sting too much. Hopefully my fresh set of ears will fool me into thinking its been made by somebody else, which could be useful to know. Will it be shite or how I remember it, which was a sort of haze of self hype and bending things into place. Including expectation. And that's where it lies. It doesn't have to be good. It'll just be what it is and thats okay I guess. But I'd prefer it if it was good. Either way, I'm not going to stop until its done and then a few people can hear it and I'll move onto the next one. Just accept now that it's a thing that can and will be done whilst you're in this persons head and body. Sweltering into the endless long road of desire.